zack ross' Journal

4:18am: You know you make want to say, "so long," you know you make me want to say goodbye (GOODBYE)
Amy told me she used to like me today...I said you should have told me, we would have been happy. I told her wouldn't write about it, so I won't go any further. She is a very beautiful person.
On my way home, two things occurred to me: 1, it never happened and 2, I don't think it's over. I know thats stupid, but it hurt so bad to know I couldn't see her for a long time was sad. It was the first goodbye that really got to me. It's all fucked up, really. I'm going in a day, whole new life, whole new everything. And it's not like I want to stay now or anything, I just wish I wasn't first. I wish I wasn't leaving everything behind. I wish, in a weird way, that I was last, that way I'd be dieing to go. I guess it's gonna hurt saying bye to O'Neill, Marni, Joe, and Carl too. They were basically the only people I talked to or hung out with for over a year. There was no big group, no other group of friends, it was any of the above or bust. Theys alls good peoples.

The Love List:
-Pants
-Porn
-Dogs
-Subs(the sandwich, not the teachers or transit)
-Chicken
-my little red thing

Good night all your nights, good morning all your mornings, and have a good day for the rest of your days if I never see you again.

"Celebrate we will, cause life is short but sweet for certain. Hey, now come on."

4:09am: Ode to livejournal...
After the next entry (right after this), and maybe one more, I think i'll be done with livejournal. I'm not sure, I might still type in it, I just have a feeling I won't. I've always felt that livejournal was the epidemy (sp?) of that whole high school-teenage type thing, that's not meant to offend anyone currently in college or who plans to continue writing in college, I may very well be one of them, I'm just saying I'm not going to want to write about the people I know from high school, and the people I know aren't going to know who I'm typing about, so who the fuck would care? And I'm not just going to write in a journal for myself. which this really isn't. We know livejournal isn't really just for yourself, it's so you can manipulate people, and find out who's watching, and what they're really thinking. Maybe I'm not the only one whos written entire posts and then said, "Wow, I don't want to deal with the reaction to that." So you turn it all down, theres an audience watching. I guess what I'm trying to say is, in the least possibly offensive way I can say, LIVEJOURNAL IS GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

PEACE OUT PEOPLE

7:15am: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 am, all alone again. But I've been through all this shit before...
i'm bored, and I don't feel so good these last couple of days. And trying to convince yourself that all the small problems that don't matter don't matter is a harder task then I would have thought.
And I can't sleep, I'm down to 4 hours a night. Somebody please help. I need it.Anyone. I don't want to be awake to see the sunrise anymore, sunrise means nothing good for me.
Ten days, if you have something to say to me say it. This is the home stretch.

3:16am: Yeah, I thought that someone notice. I thought somebody would say something if I was missing...
If I saw this post, I wouldn't read it. It's LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG.

So I was looking at some thing last night on signs of depression(not for myself but b/c I'm writing(yes writing, writers block has subsided, but more on that later) something with a character who becomes depressed, none of this is anywhere near the point) and apparently I'm depressed. I didn't know that.

"Are you showing several of these signs of depression?

• Persistent feelings of sadness, irritability or anxiety (yes)
• Overreaction to irritations (no)
• Loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed, including sex (yes, well not sex)
• Sleeping too much, or sleeping too little (yes)
• Losing or gaining weight (no)
• Tiredness or restlessness (yes)
• Slowed movement, thought and/or speech (yes)
• Guilt, low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness (yes)
• Inability to concentrate and poor memory (1/2 yes, good memory)
• Loss of motivation (yes)
• Feelings of hopelessness (yes)
• Suicidal thoughts and/or behavior (no, that's a big one)
• Withdrawal from relationships, anti-social behavior (yes)
• Physical aches and pains that seem to have no other cause (yes)

If you have a few of the symptoms on this list, you may be suffering from a form of clinical depression"

A few? I can check off most of those. But I never thought of any of those things as depression, I just figured that was who I was (except for not enjoying things and loss of motivation, I knew that was bad). But seriously, what the fuck?

It's time for a rant:
So my life, so far, hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to. I mean, I've been expecting a turn around, some good things to come my way, at least before the end of high school, and they haven't come. I mean, I've kept faith in destiny and being a good person and I thought that if I did all that, good things will come. Well, it's not like bad came, but nothing came. So I repeat, what the fuck?
And how come people don't call back. Shouldn't that bother me? I mean, I've come to expect it, that's gotta wrong in some way. And this isn't meant at anyone specific because everybody does it. All that does is help justify my wanting to leave really, because I don't mean enough to call. I feel so unimportant to so many people that I feel are so important to me that counting people that actually have some desire to see my face doesn't even require the help of the Dr. Suess classic,
"one fish two fish, red fish blue fish." Maybe I'm being unfair, undoubtedly someone will think so, luckily no one will call me to tell me off.


And, womens sports had two milestones within the last week:
-The first dunk in WNBA history (Lisa Leslie)
-The first annual Womens Sup-her (seriously, that's what it's called) was played, but unfortunately b/c it's woman playing football I don't know who won, who played, or for that matter where any teams come from. But at least I knew it happened, one up on you.


Good night(even though you're probably sleeping) and have a pleasant tomorrow.

4:32pm: I don't really know. I wanna know. And all I really know is I don't want to know...
When people say they cry themselves to sleep, are they actually crying? With tears and all? Or are they just sad...b/c I've been in bed, late at night(WOOOHOO), and all depressed, but I've never cried. I don't get it.

I understand if someone responding to this is anonymous, but this isn't a retorical question, I really want to know, if you could just leave whether you're a guy or a girl, i'd appreciate it. What's the deal with crying yourself to sleep? I don't get how it happens, do you just burst into tears? How hard do you cry? Are you actually crying when you fall asleep? I have enough trouble sleeping as is, I can't imagine have all those thoughts and emotions going and falling asleep.

I will now completely change the subject and leave you with a "theory" by George Carlin. I thought it was pretty good:

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends: a death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old-age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm."

Makes sense to me.

Have a nice day

3:11am: Are you looking for answers...I am no superman, I have no answers for you...
Watch out, I think I'm just gonna write and write and write on this post. An array of topics. A gay sentence? Yes. Wrong usage of the word gay? Yes. But nonetheless (it is one word), here we go.

COLORADO
It's awesome. Everybody should come there and have a great time. Everything was just so...good. I guess anything new is good, but this was my new thing so I'm gonna talk about it like every place else is shit in comparison to Colorado, because that's where I'm going. But it is the shit, I saw Scorpio (my sign) for the first time there. I hear the sky is just nuts with the stars in the mountains, the whole thing was awesome.

WISCONSIN
I can't wait until I am settled in college. I saw my brother, and his life is just a little bit better in every way than living at home. I think college students are so arrogant because that time just seems like the shit. It's the first time your on your own, your learning, and you have so much fun, it's just seems so cool. I'm sure it gets old eventually, but I think that boredom will still be better than my boredom. I couldn't imagine wanting to go back to the peak (or depths depending how you look at it) of my boredom. End Result: Made me pumped for college.

BACK HOME-A HAPPY ACCOUNT
I like going on trips, b/c people are so happy your back. It made me feel good about my friends, and good about how things will be when we all come back from college.
I was thinking about my life, how it would be different, how I got here. Wanna have a good time, a good trip down memory lane? Just think, really hard, about the most important decisions you've made:good or bad. Think about how you were feeling write afterwards, and just everything that changed, and really feel all those feelings again just for a second. It will either make you happy to not feel that way now and that you've moved on and are a better person now, or the good things that you did and feel that feeling that was so good at the time.
I think I'm going to enjoy this last summer.

I have lots of love for at least the next week, so if you want to catch me in a good mood, catch me within the next week and i guarantee that i will be in a good mood. Call me---anybody reading this can call me, it's cool. At any time, 343-8994.

But anyways, this whole life is just so nuts, I mean the way it's laid out, huh? I mean, your life has just been a natural progresssion until now. You have yet to make choices, you haven't not really learned how to survive. I mean, not to talk about leaving all the time, b/c I have a new found respect for my home, but I was in Colorado, and no one held my hand and I thought, "I could do this." I'm ready for the next step, I'm not going to have a problem being stuck in high school. It made me smile a little bit, and made me really relaxed.

8:04pm: Why'd you leave me til I'm only good for waiting on you?..
I am still waiting for/to:
-a phone call(doubtful)
-Amy to call me, and give me my yearbook (never)
-My computer to arrive(definite)
-a fishing trip (possible)
-Writers block to finish (definite, when is another story)
-The other shoe to drop for someone (soon, I hope)
-be the person I wish I was (doubtful)
-Marni to make my necklace (doubtful)
-My fair share (probably already have it, it's just not as much as I want)
-People to understand (doubtful)
-Those that don't really want to talk to me to STOP PRETENDING, I know (never)
-anything good to happen (possible)
-depression to die, and stay dead (hopeful)
-be happy (possible)
-go to Colorado (definite)


"I don't know where it went wrong,
but hours move too slowly; minutes are too long."

See you then.

2:11am: I want to be the light, that just burns out your eyes...
I remembered something yesterday: You don't have to ask permission to be nice to someone.
I forgot that somewhere along the way. The nice things you do for the people that matter should be optional; it should give them a nice feeling about you, and makes them feel better.
I don't need anything in return, b/c I love the feeling of giving someone a good day. I forgot how fulfilling it is to do something for someone for no reason more than you think it will give them an overdue smile. I want to have pure motives behind the things I do again. It finally occurred to me how stupid I've been about everything. It's time to make people grin a real grin, the kind you can't really help your mouth from grinning.

I've definitely had things very messed up for this last...well, year. I haven't moved forward; I've been selfish. I'm sorry.

Watch Raising Arizona, just the end if you like(but the whole thing is good):

"The shades and shadows of the people in my life wrastled their way into my slumber...This whole dream, was it wishful thinking? Was I just fleein' reality, like I know I'm liable to do? If not Arizona, then a land, not too far away, where all parents are strong and wise and capable, and all children are happy and beloved....I dunno, maybe it was Utah."
I love that part.

2:53am: It wouldn't have worked out anyway, so now it's just another lonely day...
This one's long...get out now:

"Wish there was something I could say or do. I can resist anything but a temptation from you. But I'd rather walk alone, then chase you around. I'd rather fall myself then let you drag me on down." -Ben Harper

This week, I sat in a room, in the dark, alone, not lying down or sleeping, just sitting, thinking, twice. I tell you this not to brag, in fact it's pretty pathetic.

I'm a pathetic person. I don't really enjoy anything (except being around my only 3 friends), hell, I don't even like flowers. I just don't get it---I wish I got it. In fact, I don't think I really like anything besides good human contact. And I haven't had that in longer than...well, I don't really know. I don't really know anything. Half the people I know look at me and have just absolutely no reason to talk to me. I can look at at least three people who I would have considered best friends within the last 2 years, and see people that want nothing to do with me.

As far as the subject goes, that's directed towards my feelings about Amy; b/c I give up. She'll never care about me, and if she does, she'll never show it, so all I get is treated like nothing. That is not to say it's on purpose, or maybe it is, I don't know. Either way, I'm done. I figured I might as well spend my nights being miserable instead of thinking about how good it would be with a girl who cringes at the sight of me.

And if Amy's pissed at me after reading this...eh. B/c it's not like we hang out, and I don't think she could possibly be colder to me, and if she gets pissed at least I'd see some sort of emotion in her, which would be a refreshing change. I figure this is a step forward, even if it confuses things for her, which, though I didn't mean to do, I'm not too concerned. She's confused my life pretty good for the last two years, and if history is a guide, she'll get over any feeling for me in about 35 seconds.

Now I'm going to disable comments for this post b/c I don't feel like hearing how I'm an asshole who sucks cocks or whatever other insult I'm sure to get. I know, I'm a dick. A huge asshole and I deserve to not have a girl or any friends. Believe me, I'm down on myself enough, and I'm sure O'Neill will probably make fun of me about this post, so I got it covered. One more for good measure? Sure:
Your a huge fucking dick and your a hypocrite(sp?) for disabling comments and what you said about your friends and Amy was so unfair and your wrong and I fucking hate you and everybody hates you and so on and so forth. I hope my own bashing of myself did enough to satisfy all the people I'm sure I've pissed off.

I still want you to have a good day, even, and maybe especially, if I'm not a part of it.


Edit 6/27/02-I've decided to open this one open to comments. I'd really appreciate nothing too insulting.

12:35pm: I'm sure back home they think I lost my mind...
If there ever is a time that you have to grow up...it's NOT now. Now is the time to be a kid. Everybody, do me a favor and just go fuckin nuts, just for one day. Be out of your skull drunk or stoned or anything, or just be happy b/c the moon comes out during the day and the clouds look like flamingoes. Get the chip off your shoulder and quit the inhibitions. Mean the things you say, and say the things you've been to scared to, or forgot to, or just didn't say for whatever the reason. Smile to the people you like, because they deserve to see your smiling face, and boo the people you don't like, they probably deserve it. Just fuck it. Fuck consequences, fuck being scared. I'm calling out anyone reading this, whether your reading carefully or just glancing over. Whether I know you're reading it or not, I'm talking to you. I'm calling out every person that has something to declare to anyone, I'm calling out every unhappy person to get it off their chest, whatever it may be. Live it like it's the last day of your life, and don't get scared b/c it isn't.

And to all the dickfaces and douchebags who have already grown up, I'm not stoned now and I'm not just talking about doing drugs...I'm talking about happiness. True and complete happiness. See if never-never land will take you back for a little bit, and you can remember when the shit that doesn't matter didn't matter so much.

One great hour can make you feel like it's that time every day, live your life.






And if your completely happy as is, just have a nice day, on me.

"My mouths bleeding, Burt. My mouths bleeding. What do you know about that?!?! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!!!"

6:06pm: Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles, and falls brought me here...
It seems I'm missed, who'd a thought(not me), so here goes, a new post, enjoy, or be interested, or angered (probably angered), either way, brand spankin new post:

I hate the present, and I don't care about the future.

That is to say, I just want things to be over with. I can't deal with life, in most any aspect, b/c as a general rule, I'm unlucky. My mom said it; Marni affirmed it. Yes, I know that most of my problems are rooted in myself, but still, for the crap I do, life has a way of busting me over and over, and I've tried to learn my lesson. There are people out there who never get caught, maybe they're just smarter. I'm just saying I would like smooth sailing for a little bit. I would like to be happy. I want something good to happen that is unexpected, it seems all the only unexpected things I get are crap that I built that can blow up in my face.

As far as the future goes...I don't care. I'm going 1750 miles away in two months and ten days, and I feel the same as when I didn't know where I was going.
(I can feel now this might be a long post, so get out while you still can).
I don't get excited for anything, maybe it's just the way I am. Hell, it's part of the reason Amy didn't want to go to the prom with me (if she's reading this, I'm not angry or upset about it, I was just using an example to back up this theory.) I haven't had much luck (that whole unlucky thing again) with, well, anything. High School was kind of a bust; Driving obviously sucks; drinking doesn't really agree with me; girls? yeah, thats been great; friends? Basically one by my count, even though I have love for at least 7; pot helps me waste my life and money pretty well, what else is there? I've been unsuccessful in nearly every aspect of life, and I have absolutely no reason to believe something good is coming my way. I got a psychic reading, the whole thing was telling me, "don't do this or something bad will happen." That's the story of my life.

I can feel myself growing up, I can't wait. Maybe that part of life will be better than my teenage years, which (with the help of all the people reading this were bearable, thank you) were not good.

Maybe you were expecting a post on the car accident (my 3rd, I may not be able to drive anymore), or the Ben Folds Concert (I got de-hydrated half way through and was really sick, but I still enjoyed it a lot. He's amazing), or me seeing Mel (I did) or yet another Amy post (which I could write, but I tend to stay away from), but this is the post your getting, I hope you can (I use the term loosely) enjoy it.

As for the comment about the last post, I'm not lost, I'm just trying to change the direction I'm going, I don't like the path I'm on right now.

12:06am: When the night feels long, and the darkness feels thicker than your blood...
Imagine being honest. Can you? And no one would judge; No one changes the way they treat you.
Picture, if possible, trying at everything. It's hard to.
Pretend Tuesday is Thursday, and Thursday is every day.
It's all in Getting it, keeping it, and the thoughts you forget while your asleep.
It, is yet to be lost...hang on.








I'm ok

12:19am: "There is no one here for me."
I've always said that I hated Bethpage, and I guess that's not really true. I hate how things are for me there, and it's not the people. The people are fine, I just never found, I guess, anyone.
I just don't think I'm going to be friends with anyone from high school, it's just not going to happen. No one's ever really connected with me, thought of me as their best friend, seemed interested in me for the long haul, so why try? I don't feel like anyone will miss me, really miss me, not just say they will, and I guess that's why I want to leave.
I want a reason to want to stay. I want someone I can't imagine living without and feeling a part of me missing to not be around them. I am leaving, to try and find someone to love me. To love someone, to feel something.
God, theres too much marijuana in me to stop me from holding back. Just remind me to tell you to have a nice life or something at the end. I'm sorry.

8:26pm: On the weekends he would always be at home, doing gods knows what if god had only known...
I've made another life decision that will change in a week, but why not, right?

Pennywise fucking ruled, I give them credit. They released their first album 14 years ago, and they still go out and kick peoples asses. Only bad part; they wouldn't let us buy tickets for other shows, weak.

And finally, I know I've forgotten to wish people happy birthday, but this is one I can't forget, my dog, Rollo, turns 4 today. She's so cute.

Boring post, i'll work on the next one.

12:14am: I should have no feeling, cause feeling is pain...
"Anything less than great is a waste of time."
Well, I've lived by that statement. I've tried not to waste my time, but I feel like wasting time is all I've done. I've tried waiting for greatness, I've tried to reach out and grab it, and you know what? It hasn't come. At least, if it has, then I haven't recognized it, and then I don't think it could have been that great.
It's been so long that someones been intoxicated with me, I just want that feeling again. To know that someone has real feeling for me. I had it once, maybe I didn't understand what I had, or maybe it just wasn't right for me, but looking back now, I was a lot happier living a lie in love than I am being honest and lonely.
And there are those people who don't get down, and who don't want to hear about me being down, and I respect that, and I envy it. If I could not be down, I wouldn't be. But such is life.
Here I am with all this love and no one to love, no one that wants it at least. To be rejected by someone you obsess over sucks. Stalkers are just hopeless romantics who nobody falls in love with.
To fall out of love with someone without having them show anything, let alone love, is one of the worst feelings I've ever had. The minute I told her how I felt she turned cold. And if that offends her, wonderful, b/c I'd rather see her mad at me than show me no emotion at all. At least I'd know she cares about what I think. All I know is I was a lot happier when she still talked to me like she cared what I had to say.
As long as no ones going to love me, the tinman can have my heart, b/c I don't want it anymore. I don't want greatness, b/c I don't want aspirations. I don't want a clear conscience, b/c I don't want a conscience. I don't want love, b/c I don't want emotion. I don't want anything, b/c I don't want desire.
And if you plan to comment with something like "Get over it," or "Stop bitching," or "Fuck You," etc., my response will be "lick my nuts." B/c this is how I feel. These are my thoughts, and "stop bitching" isn't goin to stop that. Greatness will stop my bitching, but that hasn't come. So when it does, I'll stop bitching, and we'll all be happy.

It's funny how these feelings just emerge all at once.

11:48pm: What's goin on in the world today? People fightin', feudin', ludin it's ok...
So whats new? Well, since you asked (ok, I asked):
-Lake George is set.
-Concerts, 6 of them. Pennywise, Unwritten Law, Goldfinger, Twiztid, Ben Folds, Dispatch.
-My (whatever you want to call) for Amy is, while not gone, fading. She just can't talk to me, and I'm starting to see it may be too hard to try to work out anything. I guess it's for the best. I hope.
-I'm lonely, but I'm not all depressed and sad about it, I'm just lonely.
-I'm not all sad and depressed.
-Mommy and Daddy bought me ps2 for graduation/last hannukah.
-I started looking for a new job.
That's it. And oh yeah, I'm gonna call Mel, soon. And, since apparently she reads my journal, get ready(god, I'm a tool).

"Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow." -Chevy Chase

11:34pm: Don't seem like long ago, I hung out with G.I. Joe, and won my little wars in my back yard...
We've all said it, talked about it, thought about it, getting out of Bethpage. They have an expression in Bethpage (They talk a lot, don't they? What movie?), they talk about getting out of the "Bethpage Bubble." Now I am, I'm leaving, and you know what? I'm happy to be leaving. It was never about where I was going, as long as I was leaving.
And now it's crunch time, time to go, and how many are leaving? Not many. And I understand that for some people staying around wasn't their choice. Maybe I didn't get that when we were talking about hating Bethpage that only I was serious. Well, I was serious.
I don't really know what I'm talking about. I don't know if it's unhealthy to want to leave so much, or to not want to leave. I guess I had just envisioned us all going separate ways for college. I guess I want everyone to fit into my vision, which is unfair, but it's the way I feel.
This isn't meant as an insult to anyone not leaving the state, I just thought I'd make that clear.

10:37pm: So long, don't take advice from me or from anyone...
Matt from Hollywood had last night tonight. I came into return movies and he was working. He's a good guy, just fell off the beaten path. This is probably the last time I'll see him, I hope it is, b/c if I see him again it will probably be at Hollywood, which means his other job didn't work out, and he hates Hollywood. We talked for a little bit, and when I was ready to leave he said to me, "See ya Zack; It's been a pleasure."
I told him, "It's been good knowing you."
And that was that.
I guess I'll be doing a lot of that.

1:37am: You've got to cry w/out weeping, talking w/out speaking, scream w/out raising you voice...
Of all the things you can tell someone, I think the best is, "I think the world of you." It's just a nice thought. Maybe it's not that poetic; maybe its nicer to actually think the world of someone; I'm not sure. Maybe it's just pathetic. Who lives in reality these days? Fantasy is a lot nicer.

I'm the good guy in my world.

6:48pm: I would stop waiting, start walking, stop trying to start you talking, you're already gone...
Amy starting talking to me again (YAYYY) but not really (BOOOO). But then she told me she didn't want to go to the prom together anymore (BOOO). She says it's a step forward, I disagree, but it probably is better for her, I understand that. For her, it's too awkward for her to just talk to me again, and I'm doing all I can to alleviate that awkwardness, I hope it's working. I don't blame her for not being completely cool with the situation, I just hope I can get it back to the point where she smiles when she sees me, like she used to. Now I'm going to the prom with Cervelli. I took it as a good sign that I recovered quickly from Amy telling me we shouldn't go together. Sandeep agreed.
A quick side note for Amy, who has read my journal in the past (and in all probability still does), none of the above written is meant to offend you.
And finally, how do people listen to Dashboard Confessional, (just "Dashboard" to the cool kids)? I mean, it's good, but I just can't deal with it. It's so...I don't know, but I don't like the way the music makes me feel.
"Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong."
-Dennis Miller, never were truer words spoken.

6:42pm: Roll up a spliff and smoke the day away, with marijuana in your brain...
4/20 was nice. Smoked every 20 minutes after the hour from 5:20-10:20. We missed 4:20 b/c Joe was in Connecticut.
After the 5:20 sesh (thats how we call people say session) we go to the mall to check out this hookah O'Neill was talking about at the aroma therapy stand. So we get up there and we see one of those indian hookahs, just chillin out in the middle of public, not back room or ID required. Then we chicken out, start laughing and retreat into B. Dalton. We played an intense game of "odd man asks" to see who would ask the guy the price. I get to thinking, "Shit, I always loose. I always throw one, maybe I should throw the opposite." So we throw, I throw 1, Joe throws 2, and O'Neill throws 1. Haha, Joe has to be the ciack to ask. Now at a place like utopia or funtazia this thing would be like $80, but this place is legal, so it costs $35. So we start sorting out money and this hot chick comes up to us and asks how tall we all are. So Oneill, casanova that he is, replies "Whuh?" Remember, we're all stoned and trying to buy a hookah. She explained that she was in the mall looking for potential actors and models for some agency. They've casted for Mtv and blah blah blah. So we start laughing at her, because we're all thinking "Us? You was us to be models and actors?" So she gets embarrassed and starts walking away.
Now when I say she was hot, I don't mean just "I'd stick her" hot, I mean "jaw dropping god damn" hot. When she turned to walk away, WHAT AN ASS. God damn thats great.
I called her back. So she pulls out this card to fill out, O'Neill tried to make me take it, I tell him the card is for him, then he gets cards for me and Joe and promises the girl we'll fill them out. Me and Joe didn't, I don't want those fucks calling my house. Oneill did, though, correct info and everything. So he's gonna be an actor and when they ask him how he got into acting, he can say, "Well, I wasn't gonna, but this chick was so hot I couldn't say no."

That was pretty much the weirdest thing all day. Interesting other notes for the day:
-Smoking every hour is INSANE. Just as your coming down, you get high again...every time.
-We tried looking for a house #420, no such luck, but coincidentally parked in front of 42 almost every time.
-We eventually got into Vic's car, which I had shotgun in, but then Vic decided Carl should be shotgun, which left me bitch. Argh.
-Only down note of the day: I burned a hole in my pants. That fuckin sucked, oh well, I'll deal.
-Schiff called us drunk as a skunk looking for a ride to taco bell probably. We had a full car. Now, I don't wanna sound whiny or anything, but I hate when he calls me for a ride when he's drunk. Especially since last time I picked him up he made fun of us and what we do.
-Thanks to Mike for responding to my question on the last post, though I don't know which Mike it was. How about the rest of you people? I know there are people out there, I just want them to say it.
-I started reading "Perks of Being a Wallflower," or, as the cool people call it, "Perks." Not bad, not bad, I've had worse. The only thing I don't like is that it tries to convince you to go out and find some song by The Smiths. Brainwashing bastards.
As Diamond Dave said, "Life goes on without me."

12:26am: Why the hell am I even here? What the purpose all I feel is guilt and hate and fear...
I think that most of the awkwardness you feel is your own fault, b/c your expecting there to be awkwardness. If you walk in with an open mind (like we teenagers don't like to do, seeing as we know everything) we might just have something good in front of us, and god forbid that happens.
Take me, I hate parents for the most part. It just makes me uncomfortable to be around them. I don't know why, I think it's the silence. I like those people I can be around and not talk, and it's ok, b/c we're really just cutting out a conversation neither one of wants to have anything, probably. I'm not big on small talk, that is to say, I don't know how to small talk. I am socially unfit to be around people I don't know.
I see the way different people act around people they don't talk to much, and it's interesting the way they "make conversation."
One way to do it just put on a one man show. Just keep talking and talking and talking, and, if your good at it, it's ok that no one has said anything in a while, b/c they're laughing at your jokes, which means they're paying attention. This method is employed by Zach Schiff.
Then you can just talk about the same things you talk about with your friends. This usually involves a story or two, but not so much that the other person isn't involved. They usually will tell you a relating story that happened to them, or a friend of theirs. This form of small talk is used by Brian O'Neill.
My personal favorite is the actual conversation. This is left to a trained professional, who knows how to lead a conversation from it's shallow beginnings, to it's deep, long lasting ends. Kevin Munnelly can do it, presumably b/c he has to be good at connecting with people, b/c he has so many people he talks to and hangs out with. Remember that this is not a simple task, it requires you to find something and/or someone you will want to talk about for a long time.
Vic has another way. Vic is "all business." That is, he says what is on his mind, talks to people he wants to talk to (but more importantly he doesn't talk to those he doesn't want to talk to), and does what he wants to.
And finally, you have the watching a conversation approach. This is usually what I do, despite the fact that I hate watching people talk.
Maybe I forgot how to connect to people, or maybe I forgot how to gauge which conversations people will want to have, but I just suck at small talk. I can't be satisfied with anything less than deep, which is stupid, b/c for deep I can talk to friends, to avoid lonliness in a crowd, I should be able to talk.
Two final notes:
-Who reads my journal who I don't know reads it. I know all my friends with journals read them. But who are the other ones? I know you're out there, you people you just like to peak into my life without a journal of your own, and you people who read me b/c i'm on schiffs friends page. Who are you?
-Second, I've started writing my movie. I got off the couch, I think it's gonna be good. Maybe it's not almost completely based around myself. I got an ego. And oh yeah, I decided I'm gonna give myself a small role in my movies, so I can be like Ed Burns if my writing turns bad. I mean, a bunch of my heroes do it: Woody Allen, Kevin Smith, Jon Favreau. Plus, that way I can get on "Inside the Actors Studio" and that show rules.

11:25pm: Before I go, I want you to know...
It is hard making up for a good first impression, and ruining it.

11:11pm: Well I've got no place to die, and I'm running out of time...
Before we get into this post,a message to Lou Dawg: I know your not supposed to post more than once a day by my rules, but I had a lot to say about three very separate topics, therefore three posts were written. But, like Lord Of The Rings, all three were thought of at the same time, and released separately.

"Someday your gonna die, and no one will remember you, b/c they'll all be dead too." -Love & Sex
Amy once asked me if I thought about death, and I told her no, b/c I don't. She said, "thats surprising." But I don't see it that way. Whats the point of thinking about death? As my brother put it, "theres no point to fearing death, b/c once it comes, your dead." It's the kind of thing that "blind sides you on some idle Tuesday at 4 am." (Baz Luhrman-Everyone's free to wear sunscreen)
Amy fears death, I think Marni does too. Sandeep loves life, and doesn't want to die, but it doesn't exactly seem like fear.
Personally, I don't think about death. If it wouldn't upset anybody, I'd die. That is to say, I don't want to die, but I don't have a strong desire to live either, my main motivation for living is not upsetting people, which may sound a little fucked up. But I don't think I have a great purpose.
What does everyone else think about death?

10:59pm: Five years from where will I be, on the same road? With a future to no destiny...
Exactly one year ago, I was thinking, but that good kind of thinking, relaxed, in Germany eating a pretzel. And, things were good.
Exactly five years ago, I was crying, because my grandfather had just died. It was, and still is, luckily, the only death I've had to deal with in my life. It was hard to deal with.
April 7 symbolizes one of the best days and one of the worst days in my life.